After Saito called me, I went up to the third floor. It should have been a tally sheet, so SUMIF or SUMIFS.
If he Saito didn’t mess up, he should have been able to handled it on his own, so what happened? When I entered the room, it was a forest of REGEX functions.
“Hey, sorry. Looks like this was also a pasted data sheet.”
Sorry, I seemed to have misread it. This sheet seemed to be processing multiple data sources. Why had I made such a selfish assumption? This file was processing more than one source of data. The previous sheet was Google Ads data. What was this one then, Yahoo? Or was it Google Analytics data?
“Hey! Help me, quickly!”
Saito was processing the REGEX functions while avoiding the stingers.
“Wait a moment, I want to confirm something…”
Digging through the REGEX forest, I looked at the embedded data. It wasn’t Yahoo or Google Analytics. It seemed to be some kind of DSP. Not good.
“Saito-san, this is dangerous. It might not be just here.”
The buzzer sounded again. Apparently there was data upstairs as well.
“Takahashi, this guy is crazy.”
The REGEX functions started to buzz.
“Eh? Wait, what’s going on?”
Even though there were no errors, a REGEXREPLACE started to move towards me, its stinger twisting in the air.
“Takahashi!!! Run away!!!”
Saito grabbed my arm and started running. Something caught my foot and I stumbled. A VLOOKUP was grabbing my leg.
“VLOOKUP! Wake up! Don’t stop!!”
Processing the VLOOKUP, Saito pulled me up.
“Ouch-!”
The REGEXREPLACE stabbed me in the leg.
“Hold on! You won’t die!!”
Saito said that as he carried me by the shoulder. Saito’s shoulder was also covered in blood.
“Saito-san was hit as well.”
“Just shut up and run!!!”
The functions were close behind.
##############
When I woke up, I was in a room with white tiles.
I was lying on a bed with an IV drip in my arm and bandages wrapped around my leg.
Was it all my imagination? Did I have an accident on my way home from work and ended up in the hospital after a long dream? That was it. It had to be it. There was no way Google Spreadsheets was powered by the souls of Excel craftsmen.
“Whew, that was tough.”
My wishful thinking was shattered when Inoue suddenly opened the door and came in.