“TAKAHASHIIII-! GET OUT OF THE WAYYYY-!”
Saito, who was armed with a sword, charged towards the ranging SUMIFS.
“UOHHHHHHHH-!!!!!!”
The SUMIFS gave a cry as it swung its right hand to get rid of Saito. Oh no, he was going to get hit. Saito was a 42 year old man with a big belly. There was nothing I can do. I was just a nearly 30 year old single man sitting on my backside who never get enough exercise. How could this happen to me? In this incomprehensible world!! Because of a mistake in my work! My boss was going to die now! And I was probably going to die soon as well. I’m really sorry.
ZA-
The SUMIFS’ open right hand cut through the air. With an agility that was unimaginable from his flabby body, Saito dodged the SUMIFS’ attack by sliding under it. At the same time, he caught its foot. The SUMIFS collapsed forward with a bang.
“INOUEEEEE-!!!! HOLD IT DOWN-!!!!”
“Yes-!”
Inoue, who had come running, took control of the SUMIFS’ upper body. Saito also quickly stood up, holding down the SUMIFS’ waist as it tried to get up.
“UOHHHH-!!!”
Pinned down, the SUMIFS gave a cry as it tried to strike Saito with its tail in a last ditch effort. Saito grabbed its tail as he processed it.
“SUMIFS.”
The red light disappeared from the eyes of the SUMIFS. Its body relaxed and was slowly sucked into the cell. Inoue slumped down on the floor with heavy breathing. Saito leaned forward as he sat on a chair that he had pulled out from somewhere. As for me, I was still overwhelmed by the sudden action scene and was still stuck in the same posture after I had been blown back by the SUMIFS.
「Are functions this violent? Is this really not a fantasy world? What kind of nerves does the person who made Google Spreadsheets have?」
I asked Saito.
“This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back.”
Saito said that in a very serious voice. Eh? I can quit?
“Here is a blue pill and a red pill.”
“Red’s fine, red’s fine.”
I avoided Saito’s movie joke. Saito looked disappointed. In the first place, he probably didn’t have a red or blue pill. That said, he seemed to be satisfied that he could communicate with me as he started to talk with a smile on his face.
“The more complex the operation, the more powerful the function. As we’ve seen, SUM and AVERAGE are just objects that stay in place, but when it comes to VLOOKUP, they have a will and can move around. And, with SUMIFS, this is what happens. Well, to put it simply, the functions that take longer to process will be stronger and bigger. If you were an Excel expert, you’ll know what I mean.”
I see. Now that you put it that way, it makes sense why the processing is so hard when a lot of heavy functions are used. I felt a little bad thinking about the heavy spreadsheets I had created until now, only if Excel had workers running around inside that is.
“Why did the SUMIFS attack me like that just now?”
“Takahashi, would feel good if you were grabbed on the shoulder on a street by mistake? No, you wouldn’t. Functions basically hate being mistaken.”
“Now that you put it like that, I wouldn’t like that.”
“That’s right, especially those SUMIFS fellows. They’re quiet, but they have their own pride. Even though they look so similar, they will go crazy when mistaken for a SUMIF.”
SUMIFS looked down on SUMIF for being inferior, although still compatible.
“If you understand that, be careful from now on. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, just make sure if there’s a tail or not. If the function goes crazy, you’ll have to call for backup. It will be the users who suffer if that happens.”
I wondered where this old man’s hospitality towards the users came from. As I was wondering, a cloud-like function appeared in the corner of the room, around column A.