“SPLIT? What’s that? I don’t care about that! Let’s study, shall we? Right?”
No. She’s obviously drank too much. I’ve given up on SPLIT. I’ll aske Saito about it next time. After I asked Inoue to teach me about regular expressions, things somehow got really weird.
“You know, in order to process a REGEX function, not only do you need to know the syntax, but also the details.”
She’s said that 10 times already. Inoue did say it before she got drunk though, so it’s probably true. If so, that’s bad. I’ve barely scratched the surfcace of regular expressions and I couldn’t even understand the basics without looking at a reference sheet. From my experience with SUMIFS, I could imagine what would happen if I failed to process the function correctly. No matter how good Inoue was, it would be hard to stop a runaway function without Saito. Come to think of it, what did a REGEX function look like? If it was a tree, maybe it wouldn’t be able to go on a rampage.
“What does a REGEX function look like?”
“It’s a Triffid.”
“A Tri…fi, what did you say? Is it a bird? Something like RIGHT?”
“It’s Triffid. Triffid. Don’t you know what they are? I gueeessss it can’t be helped.”
“What do they look like?”
“Tree, a tree. It’s a plant.”
“Alright. Then I can calm down and focus on processing them.”
“It will walk around and stab you though.”
Hah?
“You really don’t know about Triffids? They slide around on three legs and will stab you with their stingers. Scary, isn’t it?”
Inoue continued to say incomprehensible things while drinking a highball. She must have had more than 10 already.
“Stab? Legs? It’s a plant, right? I don’t know what you’re talking about, but are all three REGEX functions like that?”
Inoue drank the highball in her hand before speaking.
“Wheeeen I saw them for the fiiiirst time, *I was{5}very(impressed|delighted)!!! I think I was 2[1-4] years old when I first read about them. It was a (tense){2} feeling when I realised the Triffid’s (cooperation|collective consciousness) when they looked so (simple|stupid) on their own. I don’t know. (Are they stupid)?”
Oh no, this isn’t good. She’s started to speak in regular expressions.
“Um+hey{3}? If I take a closer look at Takahashi-san, you’re quite a nice guy. Do you have a (girlfriend|wife|boyfriend|partner?) I’m sooooo druuuunk.”
Oh no. I’m in trouble.
“Hey, how do you feel about ? *Tell me, Saito-san or me, which one do you prefer? {5,10} Well, boss x subordinate isn’t bad, +I think it’s okay to do that once in a while. What’s going on? Do you want to have (sex) with me?”
Inoue came over and leaned against me. Don’t let your guard down, Takahashi. This is not a lucky chance. Remember what happened to Saito. Don’t take advantage of a drunken woman’s advances. (Calm down.) {3} I can’t get suspended here. I’m a Google Spreadsheets worker, my job is to process functions. (I soothed the out of control Inoue and took advantage of the opportunity to return to my room)?
Author’s Note
From “The Day of the Triffid” by John Wyndham
(sorry)+(I won’t do it again)?