“That was an easy victory just now.”
“I know right, it’s been a while since I’ve been on a quest with QUERY’s, so I’m glad I was able to deal with it well. There were no errors, so it was something easy to get back into.”
I was horrified by the conversation between Saito and Inoue.
Speaking of errors, they were a frightening element in this world. They couldn’t be processed and even normally harmless functions could turn violent and attack us. Even if it wasn’t an error, QUERY was already actively attacking us, so it would probably become even more ferocious if it was. Were we going to be okay?
“Yeah, that’s right. Remember this as well Takahashi. Error are quite common, so if you see one, run away.”
“How do I tell if it’s an error?”
“They will attack you. You’ll know it when you see it.”
“Eh? The one from earlier was also attacking us…? And, if we don’t neutralise it, won’t it interfere with the processing of other functions?”
Error functions couldn’t be processed. However, if left alone, they would get in the way of other ordinary functions that needed to be processed. Because of that, normally they would be neutralised. At least that was what we did with the REGEX functions.
“That’s just a rule of thumb. It’s rare for users to leave an errored QUERY function out for long. Hey, Inoue.”
“Yes, that’s right. To begin with, QUERY is a function that can output a lot of information for a single function. It’s not often copy and pasted into a thousand lines, ignoring errors. Also, engineers do not like to ignore errors. There are quite a lot of people who don’t like errors.”
I see, was that so?
“Even if an error occurs, it is a trial and error process to arrive at the correct answer, so in most cases, it will disappear shortly. However, it is quite common that errors will be repeated until the function is written correctly. The Google Visualisation API query language has limited functionality compared to the more commonly used SQL, so there are many cases where queries will be written in a way that can’t be processed.”
“This is what it means to know the land.”
Inoue was a former systems engineer, so she could tell how users used the function. I was unable to notice that quirk.
“Look, this is what will happen next. The user is still going through trial and error.”
Trial and error would continue even without errors. When using a combination of functions, it was common to write part of it and then check the result before writing the next part.
The light of the cell that had been processed earlier disappeared and a new QUERY function appeared with a loud thud. This time, there were two bodies from the one cell.
“It’s a combo.”
“Eh? What is that?”
“Hey, Inoue, why didn’t you tell him?”
“Oh…that was my mistake.”
One QUERY placed all its legs on the ground before straightening up slightly.
“It’s an Error! Run!!!”
Saito shouted. A red beam of light shot out from the QUERY’s body onto the floor. The beam’s angle changed as he moved towards my feet. I could tell how dangerous it was from the sizzling sound and faint heat in the air from the places touched by the beam. If it touched me, I would die. It was moving towards me slowly, but as it got closer, its speed suddenly increased.
“Takahashi!!! Dodge it!!!”
At Saito’s warning, I twisted my body in a panic.
Jii. Clang-Kara-
The tip of my chainsaw was burned away and fell off. This was seriously dangerous. The QUERY’s started running towards me.
“SCATTEEERRRR!!!!”
Inoue and I ran away as fast as we could. I threw away my broken chainsaw.
DonDonDonDonDonDonDonDonDonDonDonDonDonDonDon.
One of them chased right after me.
Dang! Dang! Dang! Dang! Dang!
The stomps suddenly stopped with a loud stamping sound. Looking back, I saw that it was about to fire the beam I saw earlier. I quickly changed the direction I was running in and continued running away from the beam’s trajectory. Could I avoid it?
As I turned around, I saw a shadow jump onto the QUERY. It was Saito. As soon as he jumped onto it, he stabbed his chainsaw into the QUERY’s body. The QUERY trembled on the spot, as if an important circuit had been damaged. Another QUERY came up from behind Saito as it prepared to fire its beam.
Without any hesitation, Saito let go of his chainsaw and put his hand into his bag before pulling something out and throwing it at the QUERY as it fired its beam.
BOOOOOOOM-!!
A grenade exploded in front of the QUERY.
Author’s Notes.
As a note to readers, this story is a fictional work. Even if you make an error in Google Spreadsheets or force close it, workers like Takahashi will not suffer behind the scenes.
This note is especially important to myself, as I have recently started thinking ‘Oh, sorry’ when looking at spreadsheets during work.