WHUMP—
With an echoing sound, Saito sent the VLOOKUP flying into the distance. Quietly saying ‘VLOOKUP’, he processed the function.
“Saito-san! That was dangerous!!”
Inoue protested at the bat that had just been swung right in front of her.
“Shut up, why don’t you thank me for helping you instead? Rather, how could you lose to something like VLOOKUP?”
“Um, that’s because I’m part of the INDEX/MATCH faction.”
I couldn’t believe it. VLOOKUP was much easier to use.
“I don’t get VLOOKUP at all. Isn’t it too much to have to write down the column you want to return in the arguments? The worst part is that the key column always has to be the leftmost one. It just feels hard to use. You feel like a beginner when using something like that~.”
I couldn’t stand it, so I spoke out.
“No, no, no, no, I don’t think that’s the right way to look at it. It is inconvenient to have the search key on the leftmost column, but the function is based on the assumption that the key you want to look for is in the leftmost column. On its own, VLOOKUP is a well constructed function. If you have the qualifications and experience, you would understand how amazing this function is. In general, doesn’t INDEX/MATCH raise the difficulty level in Excel, making the work more complex and harder to pass on to other people? I think it would be better to use VLOOKUP if you consider working with other people.”
The VLOOKUP’s that had been surrounding Inoue suddenly moved behind me and shook their fists as they bounced around. I understand. I’m on your side.
One VLOOKUP seemed to be asking for a high five, so with a smile, I high fived it as I said ‘VLOOKUP’ and processed it. It flew back to the cell it had come from. The rest of its VLOOKUP friends lined up nicely and I high fived them one after the other, quickly processing 10 of them.
“Well you know, aren’t you just saying that because you don’t know how to write INDEX/MATCH correctly? As a worker, you can’t just simple functions like what the textbooks say right? Being able to combine functions is important as well you know?”
“Which of us isn’t the worker? You were crying just earlier, weren’t you?”
Saito broke in.
“You two…”
“Who is right, Saito-san!”
“You tell us!”
Saito lost his patience.
“That’s enough!!!!”
Saito shouted as he swung his bat and blasted a VLOOKUP away.
“”Hiii-!””
Inoue and I both gave a small scream. The VLOOKUP’s didn’t have a mouth to scream with, but they all stood motionless on two fingers.
“Whether they use VLOOKUP or INDEX/MATCH, it’s the users choice!! What is our job!? Hah? Inoue!”
Saito asked while tapping his bat menacingly in front of another VLOOKUP.
“T-To process functions…”
“That’s right. It’s to process functions. Are you going to complain about the users’ work? Even the users are working hard to write functions. We have to the do the best we can for them right now. Do you understand? Oh, of course you don’t, you all just forget about your work and have stupid fights? Hah?”
“I understand, I understand.”
We, that is Inoue, I and the VLOOKUP’s, nodded desperately. Because we didn’t want to get hit by the bat.
“Right now, we’ve made the user wait. Do you know that? Then do what you need to do.”
Inoue and I immediately looked at the nearby VLOOKUP’s and started to work together.
“The rest of them will be quiet if they don’t want to get beaten.”
The VLOOKUP’s began to line up orderly in front of Saito in fear. Saito sat down and started to process the VLOOKUP’s like a manager who kept stamping documents without reading them. In a few minutes the VLOOKUP’s were all cleared and the lights went out.
We left the room in silence and got into the car.
※Functions
INDEX https://support.google.com/docs/answer/3098242
MATCH https://support.google.com/docs/answer/3093378