I got behind a REPLACE and hit one of them from behind with my machete. These branch cutting shears were telescopic and could be extended up to 3m. Because of that, I wasn’t in range of the stingers. Just as I had hoped, one of them turned its attention towards me and started walking over. The other was still focused on Inoue. Anyway, I wonder if these guys even have eyes, I have no idea how they were looking at me.
As planned, I was able to pull one of them away to row H while holding a reasonable amount of its attention. Glancing over towards Inoue, she gave a nod and signaled me to come over. Leaving the REPLACE behind, I ran towards Inoue and the other REPLACE.
“Thank you. Things are going well. Let’s start with this one.”
“What’s the plan?”
“Keep your weapon short. It won’t cut anything at that length.”
That was true. 3m was enough to keep out of the enemy’s reach, but on the other hand, it was too long and unwieldy to try to use a machete to cut down a moving stinger at that range. I shortened the handles of the branch shears.
“So what’s next?”
“Cut off its stinger, be careful not to get stung.”
“But you’ve said that already, are there any other strategies or tips for success?”
“Hmm, isn’t it nice that you only need to fight one monster at a time?”
“Yes, but those thorns are still scary. It would be dangerous to get stung.”
“The originals had poison, but these ones don’t, so it’s fine.”
“Poison!? Wait, were they poisonous in the original story? No, no. Even if they aren’t poisonous, those thorns are quite sharp. If I get stung……”
“There will be blood.”
“You don’t want to bleed, do you?”
“Ahh, you’re too noisy, let’s use the decoy strategy then! Takahashi-san will act as the decoy and move within range to be attacked. When you get hit, tighten your muscles to stop it from being pulled back out. I’ll take of it then, so it will be fine, just like a mosquito.”
“I can’t do something like what you would see in an action manga.”
“Takahashi-san, you are no longer a normal person. You are a Google Spreadsheets worker.”
“That’s true, but my physical strength hasn’t changed much. I’m just an adult man with a pair of branch shears.”
“Well, you can avoid the stinger, just be the decoy for now.”
I knew I shouldn’t have asked, but we had to go for the counter, since we couldn’t attack it unless it was in a position where we could hit its stinger. It was a rational plan as far as rational plans went. Inoue was smart and strategic about it. It was just that I had to take on the hardest role.
I stood in front of the REGEXREPLACE.
There was a momentary pause, and then the REGEXREPLACE thrust its stinger towards me. It was faster than I expected. Not good. I was going to die.
I couldn’t react in time, but the stinger stabbed a little to the left of me. It seemed like its aim wasn’t very good.
“YAAAAAAH-!!!!!”
That was close. Inoue swung her machete down right in front of me, diagonally from the right. However, the important stinger of the REGEXREPLACE wasn’t there either. Inoue’s aim didn’t seem that good either.
The REPLACE drew back its stinger. The time it took for it to stab out and recover wasn’t very fast. If we didn’t rush and patiently waited for a counter, it would have been fine. However, the another REPLACE was slowly approaching us, so we didn’t have the time.
“One more time. Next time, don’t avoid it, just take the hit.”
“No, I didn’t avoid it in the first place.”
“Then please move into it.”
Inoue said something absurd. Why do I have to push myself that hard? As I was thinking about htat, the next attack came. I knew how fast it would be, so I was a lot calmer. The stinger hit the ground at my feet as it slid a bit further.
Oh, wasn’t this an opportunity? Thinking that, I stepped on the stinger’s thorn. It took some force to keep it down, but it wasn’t too bad.
“EHHHHHHH-!!!”
Inoue hit the center of the thorn, cutting it off. The stinger quickly curled back but remained motionless and quiet after. It seemed like we had been able to neutralise it.
“That was good. Let’s move on.”
Actually, the REGEXREPLACE just kept missing its attacks, but that was okay.
Inoue and I headed towards the other REGEXREPLACE. If we stayed calm and aimed for a counter, we should be able to handle it. Maybe it was my wishful thinking, but it seemed like their aim wasn’t that good.
Woosh.
As I prepared myself, REGEXREPLACE’s stinger flew towards me. As expected, it’s aim was bad and before I could avoid it, it swerved to the right. However, a loud shout came out from behind me.
“IT HURTSSSSSSS-!!!!!!!”
Turning around, Inoue was holding her right shoulder. The stinger had missed me, but unfortunately, it seemed like it had hit Inoue, who had been behind me.
“A-Are you okay?”
Inoue was silent. Not good. The REPLACE had started to pull back its stinger.
“Please stand back for now. The next attack is coming!!”
However, the next attack never came. Inoue snapped.
“THIS SHITTY FUNCTIONNNNNNNNN-!!!!!!!”
Inoue charge tackled the REGEXREPLACE with all her might, pushing it over. It was like a tree falling over if it didn’t have roots. Although the REGEX function didn’t have a face to display expressions, I could see that it was surprised and confused.
“Hey, don’t joke around!!! Even though you can’t match lookahead and lookbehind expressions, you dare to hit me!! I’ll kill you!!!!”
Inoue stomped, kicked, and cursed the REPLACE’s trunk with all her might. The branches near the top of the function tried to cover its stinger, as if asking her to stop.
“You can only use half baked expressions, so you get an error and go out of control!! When will you be able to use lookahead and lookbehind!! HAAAH!?”
I couldn’t keep watching. I cut off the thorn on its stinger to at least make it easier.
Author’s Notes
The REGEX functions cannot use lookahead, lookbehind, or negative/affirmation. This is a major weakness at the moment.